I love extroverts. God bless those happy, crazy people that love to get in groups and talk until their heads fall off. They’re like puppies–and what pathological sicko doesn’t love puppies.
I am not an extrovert. I am an introvert. And, what’s worse, I’m also shy. And, as if that wasn’t enough, I deal with some social phobia. Yes, they are all different things.
An introvert can move through social interactions fairly comfortably, but needs to be by himself to recharge. A shy person is very awkward in social interactions, feeling a sense of embarrassment when they have to talk or draw attention to themselves. A social phobic will panic and fight like an espresso-fueled octopus if you introduce him to a group larger than two people.
I don’t know if there’s a name for people like us. Crazy? Feels like it sometimes. Other times it feels like everyone else is crazy while me and my cat are the only sane beings left on Earth.
These three conditions carry all manner of misunderstandings. People seem to have the idea that if someone is quiet and doesn’t talk much, it means that they have problems. They hate people. They are angry, or rude, or arrogant. They lack self-esteem and confidence. They want to be left alone.
Well, now, let’s talk about this for a minute.
We Don’t Hate People
People assume that I don’t like them. This isn’t true. I love people. I just can’t be around them. It’s true that I don’t smile and pollute my pants in excitement when I get to a party. In fact, I usually wear a panicked expression as I canvass the room for a large piece of furniture to hide behind or a window to jump from. BUT, I do love people. I can sit quietly and listen to someone talk about themselves for hours. It’s great to have the companionship of someone that doesn’t expect me to say much.
I really like extroverts though. Remember that awkward party I am stuck in? Well, all it takes is one well-placed extrovert to light up and create a diversion and I can swipe a plate of cocktail shrimp, sneak out the door, and hide in the bushes until everyone leaves.
We Aren’t Angry, Rude, or Arrogant
Seriously?!
When I reflect on all the angry, rude, arrogant people I’ve encountered they all have one thing in common.
They were talking.
A lot.
Loudly. Yelling, sometimes.
How else could I have figured out that they were angry, rude, and arrogant? They had to say something. Most of the time these folks are talking quite a bit.
It’s not to say that shy people can’t be angry, rude, or arrogant. Some of us are. But that’s not why we aren’t talking. We aren’t talking because we are overwhelmed and the synapses in our brain are firing like a computer circuit board doused in grape Koolaid.
We Don’t Lack Confidence
Ok, so you know how you can have a big, tough lumberjack of a guy with a big booming voice? Sure, he’s just oozing with confidence! Toss a rubber snake in front of him and he will scream like a little girl and flail his arms as he runs away. Why? Does he lack confidence? No, he’s just batcrap scared of snakes.
Same with the successful businesswoman who always seems articulate and put together. The minute a spider crawls across her lap she turns into a frenzy of thrashing arms and legs and terror. Is that a confidence issue?
See, we don’t lack confidence. We just respond to socializing much the same way that many people respond to snakes and spiders.
With abject terror.
We Want To Be Left Alone
Probably not. We get lonely too, you know. That’s why I came to the party to begin with.
Sitting in a group of people can drain so much from my mental and emotional stamina that it’s all I’ve got to just sit there, swirl a drink, and wish there was a dog or cat to pet. By this time conversation is out of the question and the only way to get my attention is to turn on the TV and shut off the lights for a while.
Also, I may or may not have stopped listening to what you were saying. It’s not that you aren’t important to me–it’s that the vocabulary center of my brain has turned the consistency of overheated guacamole and dribbled out my ears.
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Field Guide
If this seems like too much to think about, fear not! I’ve compiled a short list of do’s and don’t’s so you can include introverts in your next social gathering without fear of causing them undue stress, panic, fear, and ultimately doom them to a life of never leaving the house again.
Do:
Have a puzzle
Have video games
Have a place and activity where it is acceptable for people to be quiet (like puzzles and video games!)
Have a box of puppies (or kittens) because almost all introverts/shy people love animals
Do Not:
Attempt to involve them in vocal games like Truth or Dare
Involve them in games like Charades, where they have to be the center of attention
Try to get them into Icebreaker games that force them to talk in front of the group
See, this is easy! Here’s a few more…
Do Say Things Like:
“It’s good to see you. Thanks for coming.”
“Make yourself at home.”
“Feel free to join in our game, or get yourself a drink and watch the fun.”
Do NOT Say Things Like:
“Let’s get a few drinks in you and see if you open up.”
“Come on! You HAVE to play this game with us!”
“Are you going to say anything tonight?”
Cardinal Rule
There is one last thing I would like to address. It is the ultimate. It is the one thing every introvert, shy person, and social phobic dreads more than anything else. It is the cardinal rule that must never be broken–at least not if you want to keep the person as a friend.
Never wait until a quiet moment and turn to the shy person and say, in front of everyone else, “Boy, you sure are quiet!”
I know that you mean well. You’re trying to give me an opportunity to say something witty and join the conversation. I appreciate the sentiment. But the truth is that I’m already uncomfortable with how quiet I am and you just called the attention of an entire room to the feature about myself that I am uncomfortable with.
You wouldn’t want a friend to say to you: “Boy, you sure are fat.” Or, “Boy, no wonder your husband cheated on you.” Or “Boy that flesh eating disease really made short work of your nose.” No, REAL friends don’t point out each other’s flaws in front of a group. Douchebags might do something like that, but you’re not a douchebag!
That really is about it.
So, thanks for inviting us over to your house, but not expecting us to say anything. You’re a kind, respectful, friend and we socially challenged persons appreciate the considerate way you deal with us.
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Thanks to Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay for the images.
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