The cat, Felis catus, has been catching birds and throwing up hairballs for approximately 10-12 million years (depending on who you ask). Scientists estimate the nearest relative to the modern human, Homo sapiens, arrived on the scene about 300,000 years ago (depending on who you ask). Ancestors of the modern housecat were snacking on humans before our ancestors figured out how to flick boogers. That loveable little Lucy cat you see in the picture has, at least, nine million years of cruel survivalist instinct embedded in her tiny cortex. Meanwhile, my measly brain can’t make it through an hour of the day without playing the theme song from Spongebob Squarepants.
It stands to reason that if I am going to take anyone’s advice for how to live, I could do no better than consult with my cat. Whose advice would you rather take: A graceful killing machine with the reflexes of a ninja that has survived millions of years due to its strength, courage, and intellect; or a human being that has to order food from Door Dash because it is too afraid and too lazy to go out in public?
That’s a no brainer.
So how did I learn everything I need to know about socializing from my cat?
The Art of Nonverbal Communication
Some experts argue that more than 60% of communication is unspoken. Facial expressions, gestures, and body language communicate more than our words. Of course, if you have owned a cat (or rather, if you have been owned by a cat) then you already know this. Cats are masters of nonverbal communication. With a look, a blink, a sneer, a cry, a purr, or a scratch, a cat can tell you it is hungry, affectionate, needs to go outside, or would like for you to drop over dead.
This form of communication is perfect for shy people, introverts, and anyone else that thinks it’s high time for human beings to quit their yammering and have a little peace and quiet.
To begin wielding this magic wand of nonverbal communication, I began by asking myself what message I wanted to communicate. It took less than a second. The message was: “Please leave me alone.”
Next, I watched my cat for cues that implied she wanted me to leave her alone. The obvious signal was ignoring me completely. It worked, but left me feeling a little hurt. I don’t want to be mean to people–I just want them to leave me the hell alone.
The next cue she used was a brief pause, a soft blink, then a return to whatever she had been doing—most likely sleeping. This let me know she acknowledged me, but preferred to not engage. This second approach seemed to fit my personal style.
I use this technique often when a casual acquaintance is attempting to engage with me while my social battery has a negative deficit. I turn to the speaker, nod, blink, sometimes offer an encouraging “Hmmm,” and then go back to what I was doing.
Apparently, this comes across as aloof. But that is better than being rude.
Create an Impenetrable Bubble
Lucy can create an impenetrable barrier between herself and the rest of the world. Were you to drop her in the middle of the Roman gladiator games she would slump on her side, clean her paws, and watch the murder and mayhem through bored, half-closed eyes. She has perfected the bubble of personal space. No one and no thing enters without her permission.
Therefore, I must create a bubble of personal space so strong that were a man with a bullhorn to stand two feet in front of me shouting obscenities I would not register a shred of difference. The words would hit my bubble and bounce right off.
Some people worry that having a bubble makes them appear rude. This is a feeling one must work to overcome. Have you ever seen a cat that is worried it might offend someone by being thought rude? It’s not that the cat enjoys offending people, but that people’s offense simply bounces off the cat’s bubble the way everything else does.
How do I create a bubble of personal space? It made sense to wear a giant cardboard box over my body. If you try this, make sure to cut air, eye, and arm holes, otherwise your private bubble of peace will become a claustrophobic prison of terror. The cardboard box technique effectively blocks a lot of unwanted contact. The cons are that you may get knocked over by gusty winds and rambunctious children.
Since it isn’t feasible to wear a cardboard box all day every day, the next best thing I could do was to have a cardboard box mindset. This means to convince my mind that it is producing an energy field of impregnable force, surrounding and protecting me from the words and actions of all the crazy knuckleheads I come into contact with.
Does it work?
It’s better than taking pills, but I’m not up to the standard perfect by Lucy.
Meeting New People
Cats are wary when a new person comes into the room. They are curious, and after taking several minutes to observe from a distance, they come close to investigate, but will duck and dodge if the person tries to pet them. Introductions must proceed slowly at a pace designated by the cat. Should the person not respect the cat’s protocol, the introduction is called off and the cat will leave the scene having deemed the newcomer as unworthy of its time and attention. At this point the cat may leave the room completely or may stay at a distance and stare at the offending person with disdain.
That’s lovely. Too bad we can’t do that.
…. Or can we?
I am not advocating we be distant and aloof when we first meet someone, but I do believe that a balanced approach makes sense. For example, it is nice to be able to sit back and observe someone before being thrust into their presence. Are they introverts or extroverts? Based on their body language, what is the best approach to meet this new person? Should I match their energy, should I try to force them to match mine, or should I be prepared to fake a coronary event so I don’t have to be in their presence?
Maybe this new person is trying to be an Alpha-Socializer, talking loud, shaking hands too vigorously. Or maybe they are making jokes at others’ expense. Or maybe they are sweating bullets, eager to end all the attention and crawl into a corner and hide. Like my cat, I sniff them out and make a cautious introduction.
If they’re a little too much, I go back to my bubble of personal space.
Growl, Hiss, Scratch, and Bite
When someone refuses to respect a cat’s bubble and initiates unsanctioned physical contact, the cat has no reservations about punctuating its position with the use of a little negative reinforcement. In other words, they rip you apart.
They don’t immediately turn to violence. First, they issue a few warning shots, beginning with a growl. If the growl is ignored, a hiss. If the hiss is ignored, a few swipes of a retractable claw are in order. And lastly, if the claws are ignored, the cat will launch a counteroffensive wherein it seizes the person’s hand (or nearest body part) with its claws and bites hard enough to put puncture wounds in their great grandchildren.
Of course, our civilized (if you could call it that) society has advanced well beyond scratching and biting people that we don’t like. Now we use more genteel methods—like insults, slander, and passive aggressive behavior.
Not being an aggressive fellow, and not wanting to bite someone I don’t know, I follow the cat’s lead and I ignore the offensive person for as long as possible. Most offensive people are offensive because they want attention. If you ignore them, they go away because you’re robbing them of the attention they desperately crave.
When ignoring a person doesn’t work, I make full on eye contact. Have you ever seen a cat make eye contact? Hopefully not, because when they do it means they are about to rip your liver out. Direct eye contact, followed by silence is just as uncomfortable and aggressive as anything else.
Purr and Make Soft Eyes
Being a cat isn’t all about guarding against attacks. Cats also initiate affection from people they feel safe with. They do this by catching the person’s attention and then slowly blinking their eyes. Or, they may come directly up to the person and purr. Both signal the cat’s willingness to socialize.
So, in imitation, I decided that I too would smile warmly at the people I want to socialize with.
How’s it working so far?
I will let you know as soon as I feel like socializing.
A Final Word of Caution
When one chooses to embark upon the way of the cat as a personal communication style, one must first choose to imitate a cat with a healthy sense of self. I chose my cat, Lucy, for this reason. My other cat, Max, has a different approach. Max’s way of dealing with anyone he doesn’t know is to hide under a bed and quiver with fear. I tried this too and it doesn’t work for most social functions.
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